Aristotle quipped that “man is by nature a social animal”, human beings are relational. Rather, we are all wired to crave human interaction. By this intrinsic fact, we are all in relationships whether with our family, friends or colleagues. Relationships are complex and require skills that no one ever deliberately imparts on us, we all sort of just learn on the fly as we go. Youth, especially at this age, require relationship skills that no one has taken the time to teach them like conflict resolution, anger management, effective communication…etc. Relationship skills are transferable to all other areas of our lives like work and are not only limited to erotic or dating relationships. Healthy relationships are few and far between, mainly because the people in them through no fault of their own, are not even aware that they are in unhealthy situations because that is all they have ever known. Here are a few qualities of a healthy relationship and the absence of which could signal an unhealthy relationship.
First is autonomy. Two individuals get together and decide to be in a relationship. This doesn’t mean that they should get enmeshed and lose themselves in each other; it is ok for each person to keep their own friends and even do some activities on their own without their partner. I know the beginning of relationships are always marked by wanting to spend every waking moment with your person but it is not healthy to normalize it. Space is actually healthy and good for relationships and if it is a good relationship it won’t crumble over them going to meet their friends without you. Controlling relationships are not healthy by any means.
Another important quality is effective communication. Talking is part of communication but it is not so much what is said but how it is said that determines if the communication is effective or is just noise. In order to communicate effectively, one must be mindful of the timing, tone and content of the message being delivered and most importantly take time to ask your person how they like to receive feedback in a way that makes sense them. You will be surprised, some people prefer being texted or emailed rather than having a long-winded talk over an issue. That way they have time to process the information calmly and formulate a coherent response. Find out what works for you and your partner and minimize unnecessary unpleasantness and miscommunication in your relationship.
This brings me to conflict management. We all handle conflict differently, some prefer to tackle it head on in the heat of the moment while others like me prefer to take time out to breathe and handle it later, while yet others prefer a mix of both. Respect also ties in with this because when emotions are involved and especially in heated moments it is very easy to slide down the scale of disrespect, we must all do well to be mindful and maintain a respectful disposition and speech at all times but especially in conflict. This is simply because no situation is permanent, the anger, hurt or whatever strong negative emotion you feel in the moment will dissipate in a matter of hours or days at most and if you value the relationship and each other, it is best to err on the side of caution and stay respectful. Granted, this might be hard to remember in some instances but the dividends of not making that snarky comment are great, I assure you.
Lastly, honesty and trust are really pivotal to a relationship, and they are built through good communication. Mean what you say and say what you mean at all times so that your partner is not left guessing and speculating on what is happening. Trust fosters safety and peace in a relationship where you can relax knowing that your partner will not intentionally harm you in any way. In all these, there must be balance where all parties in the relationship are investing and pouring into the relationship, one-sided relationships are not healthy by any stretch of imagination because it takes two to tango. Picture this, if you saw someone on the dancefloor dancing with a mannequin you would wonder what was wrong with them, right? Well, it is the same for you, that is how ridiculous you look to outsiders looking in. Love yourself enough to be with someone who is equally if not almost as invested in being with you.
This is by no means a comprehensive list but it covers the fundamentals of what makes a relationship healthy, I hope you can all be mindful and kind as you go about your relationships, remember to have fun and make memories while at it. Be happy!